My Resurrection!

This is very interesting post, as I am about to get even more honest about who I am...  As I had an unusual fear throughout my life, and a fear that has held me back.  In this post I dug deep and searched for the truth, my desire to reveal my true self in the year 2013 has come to pass in full effect.  I feel that me being honest is why people have loved reading my blog.  The truth is; sometimes I am scared to post my religious beliefs on my page.  Sometimes I get scared that people will think I am some crazy person, who is speaking mumbo jumbo GOD stuff all the time....  Sometimes I fear that people will think that I am trying to put my beliefs upon them.  However, this is not the case, and I love people that have different belief system then my own.  I declare today Sunday March 31, that  I will no longer fear this.... As in many of my post I always talk about my faith in GOD.  However, in true J.R. Whittington style, I am going to put away all fears.  I will declare the good GOD has done for me.  I will not stop talking about his grace, his mercy, and his devotion to me (and to all).  I guess if you don't like this fact, you don't have to read my blog.  I am a Christian, and this is who I am... Without GOD I know I wouldn't be where I am today.  Without my faith, I would be in a ditch somewhere, due to panic attacks and a serious mental disorder.  I know that GOD has saved my life, and as I go on my walk in this life, even while reaching for my dreams.  I need to walk with GOD first, because honestly when I started doing this my life has changed.  When I started to walk with GOD, my career grew stronger, and when my faith got stronger, my anxiety, and depression weaken.  This acting business is tough, and to do what I am doing and thousand of other fellow actors are doing, takes a tremendous amount of courage, and faith.  I know what my love for acting is, but I also know what my love for GOD is... From this day forth GOD will always come first, whether people want to hear or not.  Thank you GOD for sending your son Jesus who died on the cross for my sins.  Happy Resurrection Sunday Friends!!!

FEAR

The good news this week is that I am working on the soap General Hospital again, and gearing up to film "The Nurses Ball"! If you are a GH fan you know that it has been ten years since they filmed the nurses ball.  I have been in rehearsals all this week for it, and there are some great surprises to come on the show!  Can't wait until you guys get to tune in, and see all the fun we are having over in soap opera land.

The interesting thing about today is (As I try to stay honest with my feelings) is that I feel this pressure, anxiety, and sadness.  It glommed over me all this morning.  Why do I feel this way, when I am working, doing what I love and making money?  Why do I have anxiety about life?  I try to read books on how to live in the moment.  I even attempt to block the future out of my head all together....  Am I afraid that I won't work again?  Am I scared that when the fun ends, that I will back to struggling artist?  Do I get sick of NOT of having a steady gig?  Do I know what is promised tomorrow?  This life of an actor, the ups and downs can stress a brotha out in a major way.  It goes to show you that the confidence that you have read in other blog posts can come and go so fast.  I am a human, and I am not who everyone thinks I am.  In the midst of all this goodness, I still feel sadness. Today is just one of those days where my emotions are heightened.  Tomorrow I start Deepak Chopra and Oprahs 21 days of meditation.  I think this couldn't have come at a better time in my life.  I think I need it now, and I am excited to explore this fairly new territory for me.  The beautiful thing is that I know this feeling is about to change, as it is Sunday.  I am about to go to church, praise GOD, and get some junk out of my soul, that is weighing down my spirit.  The bible says "GOD has not giving us a spirit of fear, he is giving unto us a spirit of power, a spirit of peace and a sound mind"!  I will take this with me as I go through my day today.  All is good-- my tax return came in--I am working on a soap (YAY) making a nice coin for the week!  However, I wanted to post my true feelings, as I know this all stems from my enemy FEAR himself.

Big Decision!

My life was getting crazy, as I struggle a to find my "survival job" here in Los Angeles.  It has been a tough journey to figure out what one is to do, when they spend there whole life a working actor.  Then you are faced with a big bang, you are 37 years old, and you have no "real" job experience.  People look at you like you are crazy at job interviews, as I sit wondering why can't I at least be a waiter, like every other actor.  Yet in this economic time, it is a fight, and you need experience.  The working actor is a blessing and a curse for me at the same time.  This has been on my heart.  Thank GOD I have some savings in my account, and I can make it through.  Also, praising GOD that I am actually booking little t.v. things here and there, to help with the load of life...  With this in my heart, and the search being on, I sometimes slumber into a deep depression.  Where ice cream, my bed, the kisses from my dog, and singing depressing songs fill my void. However, the uplifting spirit of GOD seeps into my being, lifts me out of the bed, pounces out all my fears, and I stand up, with my heart open, happy to be me.  Happy for my life, and blessed to have done all the things I have done...  Even more blessed to get ready for what I am about to do.  Always giving praise to my lord an savior, I know I am about to get past this mountain, and my breakthrough is around the corner.

The point of my story, and the big decision I needed prayers on, (as I posted on Facebook).... Well, remember my manager at Advanced Talent Management, Marcus Fishman, and how excited I was about him?  I truly was thrilled, but I have to get honest, nothing has really happened.  Did I expect something to happen in the four months we have been together?  Not really anything major, but I didn't expect the contradictions, and excuses.  Those who know me, know that at times I can be brutally honest.  I expect folks to be brutally honest with me at all times.  Before I move forward with this paragraph, I will state, that Marcus Fishman is a very nice man, who knows a ton about the business, and I truly believe he was working hard on my behalf.  A couple things happened that made me wonder about him though, as when I first met him, he said "I have great connections with agents, and commercial agents".  Well, now that things are slow for me I think I should at least be going out for commercials to make a coin.  He said "I don't think you are a commercial actor"! "Huh"?  I mumbled, as he said the exact opposite thing to me when we first met.  I also asked him about meeting a agent, and he said "Not with your resume", "You are not ready to meet an agent".  That part I could understand to an extent, as my t.v./film credits are not as nearly as good as my theater credits.  This statement still didn't go with our initial conversation either.  Lastly, when he dropped the ball on the hit C.W. show audition, and I called him and told him "We have an audition", and he answered the phone confused, really pissed me off. Never in my 17 years in the business have I ever called an agent/manager to tell them about an audition, that they submitted me for,  they always called me! I started to re-consider Marcus, and debated on leaving him with no representation at all.  The other thing is all the little t.v. gigs I booked,  I have booked on my own from knowing someone, and being persistent in the business.  Not to mention on the non-submission for "soft" roles as he put it. I also wasn't a fan of the way he spoke to me and casting directors, like we were kids, and very entitled. I prayed, so hard about him and what to do.  Right when I was about to give up hope, an agent called me, and said "I got your reel and resume and would love to meet with you".  For those of you who don't believe in GOD, you truly need to, because I have tons of testimonies like this one.  The meeting with this agent went so great.  She got me, and understood my plight.  She has a great track record, and I did my research on her, and it just felt like a good fit.  She comes from a theater background so understands my talent, and what I am up against in the film world. The energy between us was great, but then again fear, set up inside of me.  My meeting with Marcus went great at first, what if I end up in the same situation?  What if I sign with this new agent, and she is worse then Marcus?  What if I need to give Marcus more of a chance?  What am I supposed to do?  So many emotions wrapped up inside of stomach, made anxiety aspirate. I struggled with a answer, asking friends, praying, asking GOD, asking for signs, confused, lost, back and forth, tossing and turning in my sleep!  I woke up one morning, and put my hand to my heart. I closed my eyes for a while and just listened to the pulse and the beat.  I asked GOD yet again for a sign.  I still got nothing, but as I listened to my hearts pulse, my instinct, my spirit, my gut, my soul said "Move on, and sign with this new agent".  So I did just that, but first I needed to get rid of Advanced Talent Management.  I called Marcus, and told him that we weren't working out and he asked me "why"?   I explained all the contradictions that took place in our relationship with him.  He let me out of my contract, and I left on good terms.  He said to me "you are a very nice guy, and so talented, if you need anything don't hesitate to call me".   The weird, thing is, I feel the same about him.  He never meant any malice, and he was doing his best for me.  His best just wasn't good enough.  He was scared of my sexuality, he dropped the ball, and contradicted himself a ton.  Marcus is a manager for a reason, and he has clients with much success.  He just wasn't the right fit for me, finding your fit, can be daunting at times.  When I hung up the phone, with Marcus, I cried....  I still can't figure out why I cried, but I did... I cried for awhile, as if it was a break up from a marriage.  This cry could have come from the stress of LA, stress of being jobless, stress of losing a manager, or the happiness of moving forward.  Who Knows?  Today, I feel amazing about my decision, and now I have to move forward with this new agent, who I love thus far.....   Who knows the future?  But I pray I made the right decision, and that my career will move forward for the better...  My new agent is British, and she is so amazing.  So easy to talk to, and I am already enjoying her brutal honesty. My favorite quote from my new agent is "This is me, I am not acting, nor am I an actor,  this is who I am, and what you get"! We shall see blog friends, my life here is just beginning...